CMS.

 i didn't write out her initials before hand, but now that i see them written down, i'm a fan. if she ever wants something fancy monogrammed (i think only fancy people do that to fancy things), then i think she's in good hands. so for that, claire, you're welcome. 

this post is dedicated to our caboose child, claire marie, so she can read this birth story in the future and be filled with gratitude for me and all the labor she put me through ;)

the weekend before she was born, i went into the hospital with contractions every 3 minutes apart. they weren't painful to the point where i couldn't talk, but they weren't pleasant. the nurse kept saying "i don't think you're really in labor because you're still talking...." LADY. i said to her "well i have a pretty high pain tolerance, so i'm not sure how to respond to that...." which is accurate. 

well after 2 hours, they sent me home to progress at home because i was just at a 2. went home, contractions stopped and i was just infuriated.

2 days later (monday) i went to bed with excruciating contractions that lasted though the night but were every 6 minutes apart. of course i couldn't sleep, and i was also mad from being sent home last time, so this time i was waiting until i ABSOLUTELY HAD TO GO IN. so i was just downstairs watching dumb RomComs (you know, nothing too exciting, but would distract me from the pain.) i think i watched 6 movies that night. 7am rolls around, time to get everyone else ready for school and contractions completely stop. i was BESIDE MYSELF. infuriated. why weren't you coming?!?!

well wednesday rolls around, and i was scheduled for an induction that day, just in case you hadn't arrived. my midwife (J. Yale) and i both thought you would be here before then, but you weren't. so i begrudgingly went to the appointment. but i also couldn't be pregnant a moment longer.

>>> induction day. may, 26th 2021.

                      

well your mamas body loves drugs apparently. because once they started that pitocin, we were off to the races. we started it at 2pm, and the contractions were strong and regular, about every 3 minutes. the midwife came in and saw how painful it was and said "i learned this thing in mexico to help with the backpain, should we try it??" now idk what they're doing down in mexico, but it's WORKING. she took the sheets under me and started rocking me side to side like i was in a bassinet. it was so crazy and so efficient! 

apparently the contractions earlier in the week were so painful because your face was facing my tailbone. idk why exactly it would make them more painful, but everyone kept saying that was why so that is why.

around 7:30pm the midwife came in and i said, "how much longer do you think i have?? i don't know how long i can keep going with this pain without an epidural." and she said, "well, we could break your water and i bet you'd have like an hour left." and i agreed. because anyone can handle one last hour of pain.

so she broke it and left saying "don't push without me!" and i said, "i won't!" well the minute she shut that door i felt the need to do *you know what.* and it was fast and furious. i looked at your dad and said, "oh my gosh. i gotta go to the bathroom right now!!" and he was like, "uh noooo... i think we could get her back in here." we argued back and forth for a few minutes because the midwife said an hour, so that's what i was planning on. but 2 minutes later he got her back in the room and she said, "let's push!" 

i said, "you said an hour! it's too soon!"

"i think you're ready!"

"no i think i just have to poop!" (sorry, mom, no better way to say it.)

"i don't think so, i think that's baby!"

again, i argued with her for a minute or two before i was like "OH CRAP, YOU'RE RIGHT."

and 2 minutes later you were born.

you were the pinkest baby i have ever laid eyes on. and you stayed that way for a good 2 weeks. i don't exaggerate, you were SO PINK. but they blamed that on delayed cord clamping. idk, remember i don't ask questions.

but ya know, that night in the hospital was rough. from the MOMENT you came out, you were looking for food and i didn't have it for you. so you were just stuck to me all night long that first night and i was in legitimate zombie mode for the first week. 

and because you're a Coronial (born in a pandemic), the nursery was closed, so although i love you and wanted to keep you close, i also wanted to send you to the nursery that first night so i could sleep- and they couldn't take you! so it was you and me girl. and it was deliriously delightful.

we got home from the hospital around 11pm, so all your siblings were asleep. when they woke up in the morning, it was like christmas day! they could not get enough of you. except for shepherd, who literally ignored you for the first month. poor boy was in denial.

being the last out of 4 though means you often get dragged along to everything whether you're ready or not. and the day we got home we had to get the big kids out of the house. they were going crazy! so we went to the zoo. i guarantee you are the youngest child that zoo has ever seen. 2 days old.

and that older sister of yours, boy is she a fan. ever spare moment is spent holding you and snuggling you. she is quick to help you when crying or sing to you before bed. remie is the best. you're so lucky to have her as your sister.

>>> 2.5 months old, but remie's love is still intense.

and as the days go on, you start to be more and more alert and awake. you're taking it all in and we can't tell if you're entertained by this home of yours or just perplexed. we won't know for awhile, but i also don't know if we want to know... lol

>>> newborn photos. those little features. you'll notice that shepherd's face in one of these photos is a little weird. it was circus day for the big kids at school, and everyone (including shepherd) wanted their face painted like a tiger. so we did. and shepherd also wanted to be in your newborn photos, so he was. and that is your life. siblings who want to be next to you, but who also identify as tigers.

  

   

>>> important note. our good friends from nyc also had a baby 3 weeks after you. and we believe you two were kindred spirits and friends in the premortal life. you two are already peas in a pod and i cannot wait to see you and alice grow up together.

>>> the smiling has already started. at around 8 weeks you were following people with your eyes and smiling. i think that was sooner than your siblings, but can't verify. we just know you're a very happy baby.

>>> with your great grandpa beckman.

>>> with grandpa and grandma hanks.

and your middle name, marie, comes from your great grandma holmes. grandma susy's mom. and apparently she was a very funny, very bright grandma to your dad. he remembers her french toast. and people have mentioned her quick wit. i think you'll end up having some of her character traits and that would be wonderful.

>>> all your cousins on the hanks side. 

as i write this, you are 10.5 weeks old already. you're eating about 5oz at each feeding and still waking up around 1am and 5am. we need to work on that because mommy is struggling. BUTTTTTT you are worth it. our home has never been louder, but it has also never been more fun. i have never used my "mommy voice" so much, but i have also never laughed so hard. you came into quite a peculiar home, but we're honored you'd choose us.

love you to the moon and back CMS (dang, those are good initials). welcome home.

love,

mom

a year later.

 dear sweet children. at this point in time there are only 3 of you, but that is soon to change! and so i thought it a good idea to write down for you what the last year entailed- what you may have experienced but won't remember.  it's been a year today, since the world essentially shut down. and i've spent a year watching the world and trying to figure out what your takeaways should be when you're an adult. of course, this is just me once again projecting my thoughts and feelings on you, (oh, mommmmmm) so feel free to rebel and think your own thoughts. but for what it's worth, here are mine. and it starts with a timeline of events:

march 13th, 2020: utah shut down due to covid. your school was the last to shut down (they're stubborn like that), and we spent the remainder of the school year "learning remotely." <-- we did our best, but thank heavens you were in preschool. you both stayed caught up and seemed to be quite content with the entire thing.

** take away: just because the prophet and other leaders aren't preaching preparedness and food storage as loudly anymore doesn't make it any less important. when this happened weird stuff like toilet paper, water bottles, bread were nowhere to be found in stores. it was like no one was prepared to stay home for an extended period of time. it was worrisome. we were prepared and had everything on hand. the only thing we didn't have enough of were girl scout cookies....

march 18th, 2020: biggest earthquake in utah history. 

march 20th, 2020: we got chickens. best decision ever. just ask your dad.

summer 2020: was relatively quiet because everyone was keeping to themselves. people were super worried about catching the virus and that really kept them either at home, or outside far way from everyone else. RV and outdoor toy sales were up 900%, not even joking. it took us ages to find a slide for the playhouse, but we eventually got one. 

august 2020: was a doosey. the elections are ramping up so already politics are getting heated. last year it was between trump and biden. so people were feeling charged. add to that the death of george floyd, and the country had had enough. we saw protests right here in our neighborhood and downtown. the national guard was dispatched for about a month around the capital to keep the calm. 

** an important thing to remember here is that because of the news outlets of the world, it is hard to get a full and unbiased story. during this time numerous things kept coming out and happening concerning race in america and here is what we have to say: do your very best to find all perspectives of the story, then form your own opinion. beware of instant certainty. and then love your neighbors and community members as sincerely as you love your family. Heavenly Father created people of all colors because they are important and needed in this world. do not ever place anyone below yourself just because they don't look or act like you. you are better than that.

september 8th, 2020: the wasatch front experienced a crazy wind storm. 100 year old trees all around the valley fell down and caused lots of destruction. the avenues and slc cemetery specifically suffered and only in the past month has the city been able to catch up and remove stumps where trees used to be. just across the street there is still a huge tree stump sticking into the street.

** a take away here is that at this point many had simply had it. lots of locals had mental breakdowns and it was the straw that broke the camels back. and i get it- it was a lot. but it was also very tender to watch how people came together to help each other. when things died down neighbors came out with their trash cans and gloves and started to help each other clean up. when people need to rise to the occasion, generally they can. try and always be in the camp that rises when needed. 

later in september, 2020: although utah experiences many a year, to have wildfires all over the west was very eerie. in northern california they had orange smokey skies and air for weeks. then that all blew over here and that on top of the fires in utah and colorado utah was just one big smokey mess for weeks. 

halloween 2020: it was weird to look out the window and see just one or two families on the streets. usually we get thousands of kids, but not this year. this year we went out with 5 other neighborhood families around the block on the night before. you kids didn't know the difference, and on halloween we watched a movie and went to bed. it was kind of nice to be honest, but also sad to know that still after 7 months, people were still too afraid to open their doors to strangers. 

and then the holidays came. and guess what, they were pretty darn normal. we didn't have any big parties, we just stayed local with family and it was delightful. lots of extended family traditions were put on hold, but that is okay. this time in life calls for pauses on certain things and we are a flexible people. 

so sweet children, please try your best to harness your "pioneer spirit." work hard. be nice. be flexible. be courageous. stand up for what YOU know and feel to be right, not what the world says is right. if you do these things, you will thrive.  and now enjoy these photos of all the fun you had the last year. because you are children, it's not your job to worry about the world- that's ours. your job is to be a child.

>>> utah has been the perfect outdoor escape. and people are catching on! everyone is moving here. but thankfully we snagged our own corner of paradise and these views are just up the street from us. you lucky kids....

>>> birthdays still happened and they were still a ton of fun!

>>> told ya... we went on so many hikes... lol

>>> we smoked a lot of meat.. and no one was mad about that... 

>>> we discovered the U has some great bike paths and relief from the heat! 

>>> and here comes the onslaught of photos from the many days we spent at the lake. it became a weekly excursion and we became very efficient at packing for a fun day on the water. it's not the beach, but we're not complaining! just look at that view!

>>> these amazing photos are from our weekend down in st. george. it was so blazing hot, but it was as much of an escape as we could pull off over the summer. and you guys loved it, so it was worth it!

>>> this was a cool utah discovery, dripping rock river. it was a drive, but definitely worth it! so unique and fun!

>>> visiting the poppy fields in mantua...

>>> another bonus to this year was having so many guests! no one had anything to do, so we all road-tripped to visit family and friends. while family was in town, we went on a little family history tour to the local cemetery and found some family members!

>>> we don't want to forget that during this time, our chickens all started sleeping in the trees. it was very annoying and at first frightening when we couldn't find them anywhere. we never thought to look up! oh, and in late august they started laying their first eggs! it was super eggciting....

>>> and after asking so many times, grandpa finally took you fishing. although it was a very un-utah like experience because the fishing was so oversaturated over the summer (no one had anything to do, so everyone went outdoors and many went fishing) that we only caught one fish. i think the adults were more disappointed than the kids, but it was still a great day!

>>> late summer we roadtripped to california to spend time with friends in monterey. it was a nice break from the 100 degree summers of home, but we went more for the company...

>>> so school started end of august and you were truly one of the rare few utah kids who got to go back in person. your schooling was such a blessing this year and we will never again take it for granted.

>>> summer was filled with so many ice cream trips. and we have no regrets. worth every cavity.

>>> give us all the outdoor fun! these were taken at the sunflower fields at cross-e-ranch.

>>> evidence of the windstorm in september:

>>> i hope you always remember this shirt that i love so much.

>>> his first haircut. he rocked it. and he still loves it. 

>>> family photos from this year. we got many compliments on our card this year, but also come comments like "you probably could've gotten a better picture if you didn't include the chickens...." funny thing is, we wanted them in it for the funny faces. this year deserved some goofy photos and we definitely got them!

>>> these are literally the only two photos i took in december of 2020. maybe i should've documented the holidays better, but honestly we were just too busy enjoying them. and i don't regret not having those photos! it was a season of minimal technology and it was awesome.

love you. be a friend to everyone.

xoxo,

mom