jonas thoughts.

it happens every year: some "freak storm" that they assign a name and tell us all to hunker down for. people get all up in arms and start hoarding absurd amounts of cashews, tissues, and hand soap (so practical, guys). last year, this storm didn't have any effect on anyone. remember that instagram video i posted? with the famous drop of the word "poop" by secret? yeah, that one.

ANYWAY.  this year they named the storm jonas. or wait, is it jonah? huh. now i can't remember.. that's how much i care. the only thing i care about is that it stops tomorrow because it's dropped enough snow that even my monster stroller can't handle it. which keeps us very close to home. too close.

SO to archive these winter memories we're creating, a POST (not to confuse with a TOAST) is in order: 

or maybe a toast. a toast would be cool. let's make it a toast.

a toast to: amazon boxes. a taxi and an airplane have been created this week. just call me mama martha stewart. cheers to that. 

a toast to cabbage: because although mommy lied and said it was a hat, it brought 5 straight minutes of laughter at how much she loved her hat.

a toast to olaf: a character she doesn't even know, but someday will. and when she does, she'll be glad we have this picture. she wanted it on, i promise.

a toast to loving yourself: because we all should. but only at this age can you take it that far. (clink!)

a toast to this book: because it has seriously saved my life this week.

a toast to ninja headbands and makeup brush sword fights: because one day we won't have them and i'll be sad. 

a toast to remie and all her boyfriends: she's got a couple. but special chaperoned dates like this one make her week. she's got a special place in her heart for the one on her right.

a special toast to empty new york streets: although slightly eerie, very fun. 

a toast to our neighbors (why not): for having such quality snow in their "yard". 

a toast to this trooper: for taking the laundry down with us, and for stomping through the snow for exactly one step. 

a toast to jonas/jonah: for winning today. you may have taken her boot... 

but you have not taken her spirit.

until next year, ya freak storm.

the motherhood complex.

let me tell you a little bit about our typical weekday here in nyc. a little background will probably help this whole post make more sense. 

i wake up 30 minutes before the toddler. i usually do a little reading, then get ready because once she's up at 8am, the day has begun and i don't like wrestling eyeliner from her hands. 

secret will usually get home from the gym around 8am, he'll stick around for a minute to give her "morning love" then he's off for the day and it's just the kid and me. 

and out the door we go! either to a mommy-and-me class or to the park or to run errands... a few days a week we don't have set destination, so we'll just go and see what the morning has to offer. usually a hot chocolate is calling. 

then home for lunch and an afternoon nap. during the nap, i'll usually do some dinner things, or church things, or pinterest things, you know... "Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM) things..."

then she's up and we're back out the door. either on a little walk, or to the park, or to a friend's. just to get some fresh air before we're in for the night. neither of us really likes being home.

when we're in for the day we'll have some play time and usually do a small craft/project before we have to make dinner. yes, she helps me. it's wonderful... haha sometimes...

dad gets home, family dinner time, family playtime, bath time, bedtime (that's a lot of "times"...)

and that's the day.

but i've discovered this "complex" we'll call it, that i think is unique to new york, but i'm not sure. so you'll have to tell me. these observations come from two years of living here and after reading articles like these.

why when i go to these "mommy and me" classes am i usually one of VERY few (if not the only) actual mothers there? it's usually 90% middle age nannies on their phones, 2% dads, 3% grandparents, 5% moms. and sometimes i'll see another mom, but trailing behind her is the nanny and kids. those moms just chat with the other moms who've also brought their nannies.

occasionally i'll talk to other nyc moms, only after they start the conversation with "OMG, is she (remie) yours?!"

"yes!"

"and you're pregnant again?!?" implying i'm a complete fool for intentionally having them 21 months apart. well guess what, i wanted to have them 18 months apart... haha what do you think of that?!?

then we break into conversation about how young i am, why we live here, how i'm a "SAHM without help," and "no, i don't plan on hiring anyone for #2." these women are literally speechless when they hear about my life. and honestly most of the time, i'm freaked out by theirs as well.

i'm just doing what i was taught and what feels right. my mom did this. my grandma did this. i have many friends who do this. but for some reason being a FULL-TIME, STAY-AT-HOME MOM (the true definition of one) who is 100% involved in her kid's life is completely insane here. i kid you not, they always look at me like i'm insane while i just laugh and run after the toddler i call my own.

i have the deepest respect for mothers who need to work. if you can pull both off successfully, you are a true hero. but for my family, i NEED to be with my kid. i WANT to raise her.

it's really common for "SAHMs" here to also have help/a nanny/night nurse/day nurse. if not all day, a couple hours a day so they can "live their lives." which (honestly) sometimes sounds GREAT!!! i mean, yoga classes, mani/pedis, lunch dates, spin classes, they are all super fun! i want to do all of those things. but not while missing out on my kid's gymnastics class. 

so here's the problem: when i run into these "other moms," i sometimes feel like i'm the one in the wrong by choosing to be with my kid all the time. i'm the fool for being okay with doing all the laundry, doing all the cooking, wiping all the butts, somedays going without showers, etc. and a very little part of me thinks their glamorous life is something i could get down with. should i want that??

other times i feel bad giving these women a glimpse into my life because i don't want to make them feel bad- make them feel like they're the fool because i can handle it and they can't. because the reality is: everyone does it differently. do they want to do it all, but feel like they need to fit in with other nyc fancy moms? am i really living their dream and throwing it in their face???

i kid you not, one lady i know said she hired a nanny with her first kid just because all of her friends railed on her for not wanting one. everyone else had one, so she felt the pressure to have one, too. now 10 years later, she is that woman going to luncheons, getting her hair blown out and going to fancy galas, all while her nanny puts the kids to bed.

are you feelin' me??

OH and then, these fancy women also have husbands who have fancy, important jobs that require them to work 24-7. so you can imagine how it gets even more complicated when i explain that secret works a normal 9ish hour day with some light work when he gets home. but his job is really flexible and it allows us to have real quality family time. 

that leaves them with mouths open. 

and leaves me thinking, "huh, should he be working more?? are we being slackers?" but when we're all sitting around the dinner table together i think, "no way! i'll forgo the hermes bag to have him home with us!" 

so what's a wife to do??!

it's a weird feeling to walk these streets and almost never see another mother like me. if i see another woman who i'm sure is the mother of the kids she's with, she's always looking so good. and i mean, so good. she most definitely just came from the gym and salon. and she'll probably look that good until next week's appt.

then here i am in my tennis shoes and maternity coat, huffing and puffing my 100lb stroller full of groceries. the complete opposite of class. i'm so out of place.

thank goodness for our church! there are loads of other moms like me there- so praise the heavens for that! but that's probably the only time i feel like a normal mom during the week.

i have to admit one thing though: i know of 3 other women who are like me who aren't mormons. we all stay at home, we all do the laundry, we all occasionally skip the shower. so that's kind of refreshing (pun intended), right?!

anyway, my ramblings are almost over. i just wanted to write it down because this is a big part of my journey to become the mother i always want to be.

we're going through a rough "toddler phase" right now. (not the terrible twos, i hate that term. no part of childhood is terrible.) and honestly, some days i just want to take a 12 hour nap. but i still don't want to miss out on this. i don't want a nanny telling me about how remie's new favorite word is "no." i don't want to get pictures of my kid falling asleep, not in her bed, but on the bean bag, i want to take those pictures myself. i want to be the one with paint on my face during craft time, not just see the finished product of craft time.

everyday i'm trying to become more and more comfortable in my role as a mom here in nyc. and i think i'm getting better. i better be getting better because #2 is going to be here in 7 weeks, i gotta get my act together quick!!

this is life. it's a freaking roller coaster, but i'll take it. all day long. when i move to the suburbs in a few years and i'm surrounded by other women like me, who knows, i might miss all the shenanigans i see here. maybe i'll miss being the "unique, weird, mormon mom who wants 5 kids." if that's the case, i better get back out there tomorrow and soak it all in.

embrace the weird!! right?!