life never goes as expected. that's a fact.

the fact that i haven't posted since january is evidence alone that our house has been turned upside down. and because our village is so strong and stretches all over, we wanted to give people an update on how we got where we are today. it's kinda crazy, totally unexpected, but has been faith building. so buckle up, buttercup, here we go.


on this day, my birthday actually, we found out that Shepherd had a heart arrhythmia- basically his heart rhythm doesn't sound like normal, it misses beats often. it's not that big of a deal usually, but with babies it just means they have to be monitored closely so their heart rate doesn't reach 200bpm, because they cannot sustain that heart rate for very long before it starts to effect their development. so i was going in for fetal EKGs weekly to make sure it was staying in the safe range.

my paranoia about the arrhythmia was definitely the main emotion for the last 2 months, BUT i was pretty good at keeping my cool and keeping perspective. it's easier with 2 kids to distract you:)

>> best birthday surprise. especially after a morning spent doing a fetal EKG.

because of the arrhythmia though, i was constantly aware of his movements. i made sure he moved a lot and often, just to assure me that his heart was still beating and he was thriving.


>> last photo of me pregnant. a baby moon to the grand canyon makes total sense... i know (eye roll.)

last wednesday (may 8th) after a full day of soccer practice and dance lessons, i was about to head out to a friends house when i realized i hadn't felt Shep move all day. so i hunkered down with a fat bowl of ice cream, turned on "ready player one", and started poking him. after like an hour of trying to annoy him and his blood sugar levels (ice cream usually gets him all excited), he still hadn't moved.

i had literally been to the doctor earlier that morning for my weekly checkup and his heart was beating normal (for him). so i kept going back and forth on whether i should go into the ER. i didn't want to go in, have them tell me he was fine and send me home. it's such an ordeal. finally i decided to go just so i could sleep through the night and not worry. so i grabbed my phone, paused the movie and told AJ i'd be back in 30.

i got there at 9pm, told them about Shep's history in the womb and they gave me a gallon of juice and told me to drink it to try and get him going. i did, felt so sick, but he still wasn't moving. so they came back with an ultrasound and the conversation went like this:

9:30pm:
doctor: so i talked with the high-risk doctor and he recommends that we do an ultrasound and see if we see movement.

me: the high-risk doctor?? is that necessary?? is this a big deal? his heart is beating right?

doctor: yes it's beating, but he's not moving. so we're very concerned. if we don't see movement on the screen we're going to deliver you tonight.

me: (laughing) i'm only 36 weeks, you're kidding right?

doctor: no, but let's take a look. (she looks, doesn't see movement...)

            you should call your husband, we're going to deliver you in 15.









9:45pm:
at that point, i'm literally crying a cry that i've never heard come out of my body. i unlock my phone and tell the doctor to call AJ cause i can't even talk. while she calls AJ, people come rushing in, changing my clothes, having me sign forms, throwing in IVs, and the whole time i'm literally a limp noodle crying a cry that i didn't know was in me.

10pm:
i'm in the operating room, now in zombie mode, completely speechless. AJ isn't there yet, and i'm laying down on the table, it finally hits me what's happening and i pass out cold. i wake up when AJ arrives minutes later and just as they're going in.

10:21pm:
Shepherd Hanks Secrist is born. i don't remember much other than asking if he was alive, which they said he was, but quickly whisked him off to the NICU because his apgar score was a 1.

now i'm just left alone to get sewn up and taken to recovery. i actually didn't know his birth time, weight, height, etc. until like yesterday when i asked. it was all just so chaotic. the next day i was really emotional and confused; basically wondering if that really was the only choice we had, if it was the right choice, what my doctor would've done. i was kinda a basket case all day. 

my doctor happened to pop by and she really brought me some emotional closure. she said that his heart condition causes fluid build up in the body and when i came in, he had enough fluid accumulated that it was inhibiting movement and he wasn't thriving anymore. she said that if i had even waited until morning, we would've had a very bad outcome. she then said that if i had even gone full term, things would not have gone well. he was 6.5lbs at birth and .5lbs of just fluid. if i had gone a full 40, he would've been 10ish pounds with most likely more than .5lbs of fluid, and he was breech, so labor would've been long and hard and he would not have made it through labor alone with the heart condition and size.

so that answered my questions and told me that i had made the right choice in following those motherly promptings. you can imagine what that did for my faith.

so that's the bulk of the story. where are we now?

he's been in the NICU for a week now and we're working on a few things:
his heart: because of his arrhythmia, he will occasionally go into SVT (super ventricular tachycardia), which means his heart rate goes into the mid 200's, and a regular baby heart beat is 160. it's not life threatening, and he won't die of it. so that's encouraging all on it's own. BUT he can't sustain a heart rate of 220+ for longer than a few hours before it'll take a toll on him.

at first, he would have random bouts of SVT. they would do a few things before administering meds, but now he's on meds 4 times a day to keep his heart rate regular. 3 days into the meds, i started breast feeding and bottle feeding him so we could stop using the feeding tube.

but the past few days he's broken through the meds and he'll go into SVT more frequently. he's hooked up to monitors constantly now and we've discovered that anytime he's "stimulated" he will go into SVT. so diaper changes - SVT. breast feeding - SVT. kids talking to him - SVT.

it's obviously alarming because those are just normal life experiences and he can't be going into SVT multiple times a day just because we're living life. we don't live in a yoga studio, there will be excitement daily (good and bad).

so we're kinda back to square one. he needs to have no SVTs for 24 hours and be able to eat from a bottle or breast for 24 hours without having a SVT before he can come home. that hasn't happened yet, so he's still there.

despite the weirdness of being home, not pregnant, but with no baby to show for it, we're doing pretty okay. this lady here >>> flew out hours after AJ called her and she has been carrying our entire household on her shoulders all week. THANK HEAVENS for mothers. i couldn't even wish her happy mothers day without bursting into tears because she truly exemplifies Christ in motherhood.

so now what? i'm home and healing really fast. i know the Lord's hand is in that because i've been warned the healing takes a few weeks, but i'll be 100% by the time my mom leaves and that will be a blessing for the kids.

Shep is still there and will come home after 48 hours of no SVTs and eating without the feeding tube. after that, we'll check his heart rate everytime we change his diaper and be ready to jump into action if we catch an SVT. i think we'll still live in constant alert and awareness, but this is life and it often requires a change in direction and we're happy to do it for this little guy.

and lastly, you're probably wondering where his name came from:) after a pregnancy of being watched over by many other shepherds and being in the NICU where he is surrounded by shepherds, we decided that it is his turn to be one himself. we hope that while on this earth he can really channel his name into his everyday life and be a friend and a watchman over everyone he comes in contact with.

to all those reading, our village: thank you for your constant love, support, prayers, well wishes, good vibes, all of it.... our hearts are FULL to overflowing with gratitude for those who are in our corner and cheering Shep on. he's going to be okay, we have great faith in the Lord and His plan for life, and it's a lot easier to show that faith when others are cheering us on. so thank you:)

next post will be when he gets home. not in 5 months. promise:)

xoxo